Friday, October 29, 2004

TV's Jeff

The wonders of the Internet are, indeed, myriad.

In a moment of IWillNotConjugateOneMoreVerbWithoutDrugs, I decided to look for some of my past friends from high school online. This is an extension of Googling ex-girlfriends, but of a much larger scope. I wasn't having much luck and was ready to just snort the blow and get back to my homework when I remembered my friend Jeff Henry.

And his website.

Jeff was a good person. He was just difficult to approach. He shuffled when he walked, with his giant body supported laterally by huge Converse running shoes. He would never look anyone in the eye. Jeff would talk to you, but with a sideways glance and often with both index fingers pointed at you, like something Fonzie would do.

He was teased a lot until the Columbine Moratorium of "Jesus, do you think?" was declared. After that, he was left to himself. I remember him mostly from my creative writing class; he would crib some of his stories, poems, and songs from Ur-nerd texts and only I could call him on it, but only by sputtering out, "you got that from Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People (1993)" and watching as my tenuous grasp on the female form slipped ever farther away.

This is not to say that Jeff wasn't brilliant. He was; the proof is in his website. TV's Jeff (which, again, is borrowed from MST3K) was an alternate reality that he created on the internet, in which Jeff was a befuddled but horrifically violent middle-aged man with a wife, kids, and an arrest record.

The trick here is to determine whether some of what he wrote was funny because he wrote it well or because he wrote it first. Know that this was the mid-90s and websites weren't exactly profligate; those that were around (like mine), weren't things one would want to read. But TV's Jeff gained readership, despite being hosted on various free servers and consisting entirely of yellow type on a black background.

The only way I could find the site was because Google had it and this is only because so many people had linked to it, often in the same "MY FAAAAAAVORITES" list as The Onion.

TV's Jeff's site no longer exists, I'm afraid, but Google has cached it and I managed to dig some of the pages up. I would like to do my part to further the preservation of both TV's Jeff and my friend Jeff Henry, in hopes of his one day finding this and perhaps thinking better of me. Just without the yellow text on a black background.

The Undateable, Timeless Story

There I was, in the current year. All I wanted was an item of food.

"I'm sorry sir, but this digestible item costs no less than five units of currency." the restraunt employee of unspecified gender said.

"But I only have three!" I protested. "Can't you give a guy a break?"

"Again, I'm sorry but that's the non-negotiatable price."

"5 units of currency? I could get a sexual favor from the elected leader of this bordered region for that much!"

"Trust me, I know..." the employee said. "But there's nothing I can do!"

"That's the problem with this bordered region of land we live in today...people don't even care about other people! That, and the illegal aliens who steal our jobs." I swiftly said.

Then we were all murdered by pirates.

The End

Also, please enjoy "Please Sue Me, Delta Burke." It did not succeed, that I know of. There's always hope.

Hello! Are you Delta Burke? And if so, are you looking to sue someone for abusing his right to free speech? Then you've come to the right place!

Even if you're not Delta Burke, you're still welcome here...but please, try to do everything you can to get this website noticed by Delta herself. Thanks.

Did you know Delta Burke likes to eat children? It's true! I would know, because I have a website. If, for some reason, you would like to dispute this(although I have no idea why you would, considering how the above statement is 100 percent true), you can e-mail me at:

Delta Burke doesn't like black people! In fact, she hates them! I overheard her saying this over lunch at a local restraunt. Delta Burke likes to eat lunch a lot because she is fat. Are you a black man, wanting to express your outrage at being hated by well-known celebrity Delta Burke? Then by all means, e-mail me at good for suing purposes)

Whoops, I'm sorry. I should have specified that Delta Burke hates adult black people. She still likes to eat black children. "They are so meaty, those colored's...I could eat a dozen and not get tired of them. In fact, I have!" was her exact quote. For those who don't know, my e-mail address is Feel free to write to me for general discussion about Delta Burke, science fiction and fantasy novels, or hell, even some plain ol' suing!

Ewwwww! Oh my god, ew! Look at that! She is trying to be sexy! Ewwww, oh man that is so disgusting! Jesus god, that is just sick! She's so damn ugly and fat! And fat! I won't be able to sleep for weeks because of that! (Since I'll be awake, and probably bored, you can help me pass the time by e-mailing me at

Delta Burke is very fat.

This website is brought to you by TV's Jeff's Website--the website so contraversial, it can only be viewed on the internet.

For Jeff Henry.

"Conscience is but a word that cowards use,
Devised at first to keep the strong in awe"
-Richard III


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