"Sneaky" Pete Jupiter Pumpkin-Face Schroedinger
Last month, we went down to the Arlington Animal Welfare League and S___ paid $100 for a retarded monster.
You, too, can rescue a retarded monster from your local animal shelter. I urge you to do so.
Crimes against dignity:
1. Slamming into cabinets while running into the kitchen at speed.
2. Pawing under the bathroom door during my quiet time like a zombie at a farmhouse.
3. Falling into a full bathtub and acting like nothing happened.
4. Ignoring any purchased toys and instead playing with the balled-up receipts for said toys.
5. Latching onto our faces at 4 AM.
6. Creating "kitty profiling," in which anything missing is blamed on the cat.
7. Producing noxious clouds of gas when relaxed.
8. Climbing the window screen to freak out the neighbors.
9. Giving us a taste of what being the parents of an ADD, inbred child would be like.
10. Licking my ear while I sleep, creating dreams of rough-tongued women.
You, too, can rescue a retarded monster from your local animal shelter. I urge you to do so.
Crimes against dignity:
1. Slamming into cabinets while running into the kitchen at speed.
2. Pawing under the bathroom door during my quiet time like a zombie at a farmhouse.
3. Falling into a full bathtub and acting like nothing happened.
4. Ignoring any purchased toys and instead playing with the balled-up receipts for said toys.
5. Latching onto our faces at 4 AM.
6. Creating "kitty profiling," in which anything missing is blamed on the cat.
7. Producing noxious clouds of gas when relaxed.
8. Climbing the window screen to freak out the neighbors.
9. Giving us a taste of what being the parents of an ADD, inbred child would be like.
10. Licking my ear while I sleep, creating dreams of rough-tongued women.
posted by Josh at 5:32 AM
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